Relationship Tips

Like most people, over the years I have observed many relationships. The first we observe is that of our parents. Between themselves, with their parents, with their siblings, with their friends and with us. Our own relationships are based upon those we have observed. With any luck, we have learned better skills than most we have observed. 

Please note, these tips may apply to any kind of relationship, but when I first wrote them, I was concentrating on ‘couples’, married or not.

Here then, are my observations:

ACTIVELY LISTEN:  

Most people have problems in relationships because they are too busy talking and don’t give listening equal time. Never talk at the same time when having a discussion of any kind. Give your partner the courtesy of listening, as you would want for yourself.

PATIENCE: 

 Most arguments are caused from simple misunderstandings. Which are usually blown way out of proportion. Due to not really listening and failure to see the other person’s point of view. One does not have to agree, all the time. Just try to look at things from their point of view to get an understanding of what they are saying.

 No matter what their opinion might be, it is valid to them. Just as yours is to you. Sometimes you have to agree to disagree, or compromise. 

COMMUNICATE  /  DON’T ASSUME: 

One of the biggest problems I have seen with most people is a lack of communication. This is where most all difficulties occur in any relationship. Say what you mean and mean what you say. No hidden or subtle hints. For some reason, women tend to be guilty of this more than men. NEVER and I repeat NEVER, assume that your partner knows what you mean or  “he/she knows why I am mad”.  If you haven’t been clear about the cause, assuming they ‘know’ will only frustrate both of you.

Never, ever, assume you know what your partner feels, thinks, or means by any given statement, or action. If your feelings are hurt by a word or a gesture, SPEAK UP! 

Share this information with your partner, because believe me, they are NOT going 

to ‘magically ‘ know your feelings have been hurt. It may be that you misunderstood what they said or what they meant. Perhaps they are tired, worried about something, or just had a bad day, and the tone of voice isn’t what you expected. Speak up and ask what they meant. Assumptions only cause trouble. Unless your partner is extremely psychic, you will need to really be honest and say what you feel, think and want. How can your partner ‘understand’ you if you aren’t truthful and clear about what it is you want in the relationship? Or in daily life, and in the future?      SPELL IT OUT!  

UNDERSTANDING & FORGIVENESS:  Insecurity can ruin any relationship. 

Every one has experienced insecurity in a relationship at some time or another. 

You may have been the insecure one, or the other person was. It doesn’t matter who is feeling insecure, for what ever reason. If not addressed and discussed, insecurity will destroy your relationship. Because with it comes mistrust, paranoia, anger, and self sabotage. Even when you and your mate have been feeling very secure , something silly can happen to upset your peacefulness. We all have ‘bouts’ of insecurity once in a while. And we all have ‘triggers’ that can bring about a feeling of insecurity. If we are wise, and pay attention to ourselves, we will know what brought the feeling on in the first place.  Your insecure feeling may be justified, or it may be an habitual response carried over from a past experience. Share your insecure feelings and thoughts with your mate, friend, parent or sibling. Ask for that extra hug, or be willing to give that extra hug, and remember, your partner is not psychic! So tell them how much you love them!

LIVE IN THE NOW:  When beginning a new relationship, or if you are in the midst of one, I strongly suggest that you focus on who you are really having the relationship with. I’ve observed so many couples constantly compare or judge their new partner by the sins or saintly acts of a past partner. This is not only a huge turn off, but is just plain wrong. It’s one thing to learn from a past experience of what it is you want or don’t want in a relationship. But it is not your new partner’s responsibility to reach that lofty goal. If you chose them for who they are, accept them as they are. If your previous choice was a real shit head or psycho it does NOT mean that your new choice will react, respond or resemble that past choice. If they do, I suggest therapy. 

If you are wise, you have learned to make better choices. Remember, past experiences are JUST THAT, PAST. Gone forever and are not what the reality is now. 

LET IT GO:  You will have your ups and downs. Disagreements. Experience anger and disappointment. But  you must always be willing to discuss it. Face to face.  Confrontations are never easy or pleasant for anyone. But they are necessary if you want a peaceful household. There is no need for this to be a finger pointing , accusing attack. Just speak honestly and with tact. Try to  remember that you love this person and you want the relationship to continue. Speak from love and the confrontations will always be productive. Clear the air as soon as possible. Agree that once you have worked out your issue, each of you will LET IT GO and never, ever throw it back into your partner’s face. If the issue or problem is solved... it is solved. Done, over. 

CONSIDERATION:  You are not alone anymore. If you are living with someone, or are married, practice what your mother tried to teach you when you were a child. Pick up after yourself. Share your stuff, respect other people’s stuff. Clean up after yourself. Don’t use all the hot water. Replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty, hang up your towels, dirty clothes in the hamper, etc.  Simply put, be considerate. Take my word for it, it will reap you many rewards. In any relationship.

DON’T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF:  You are not in grade school anymore so don’t waste your precious time arguing over who gets the ‘last word’. Pettiness, if given any fuel, will blow your relationship apart faster than you can imagine. I’ve seen it done. And I’ve experienced it. Everyone has at some time or another. You know that person, always has to be ‘right’  or have the last word, and will argue with you until you simply give in or walk away; vowing to avoid them at all costs!  You surely don’t want your partner to feel that way about you, do you?

Pettiness breeds discontent and resentment. Arguing over stupid, unimportant nonsense is a waste of your energy and eats at a relationship like a tape worm. 

Who cares who ate the last cookie or ice cream?  You can always buy or make more.

BE THERE:  We all like the secure feeling that our loved one has “our back”. Be sure you stand up for each other. Be there, emotionally, intellectually, and physically. Defend and protect each other as this will strengthen a relationship faster than super glue. Do it even if you disagree. You can discuss the difference of opinion in private. 

Don’t disappoint or embarrass your partner in public if you can help it. 

PAY ATTENTION:  Another thing that I have observed in relationships is a lack of growth. Lack of care, lack of energy. I believe that any relationship, but especially a marriage, should be a loving one, that grows, continually. Like a flower.

In the beginning, you test the soil to see if it is acceptable for planting.  (Flirting)

Once you know the soil is ready and won’t reject the seed, you dig the hole, place the seed in gently, as the seed is fragile, then lovingly cover it up. You know if you water it and feed it, it will produce a beautiful flower for you. Caring for it daily, making sure it has everything it needs to grow strong and beautiful. The seed is trusting you to care for it properly.  (Dating, Romance)

Once the seedling has sprouted and you see it growing into a strong healthy plant, you show it off. You are proud of it. You have nurtured it, cared for it, loved it. Because of that it is strong, robust and beautiful. It  trusts you to keep it alive. 

And you know you can trust it to be exactly what you planted because of your attentiveness.  (Trust, Marriage, Commitment)

Now, just because it has grown into a young healthy, beautiful flowering plant;  in the spring, do you stop watering it?  Do you remove it from the sunshine or allow it to be uncovered in the harshness of winter?  No. If  you want the plant to give you pleasure for a lifetime, you continue to romance it. Nurture it, care for it, and give it what it needs to remain alive. So it is with relationships.

LOVE TODAY  --  FOR TOMORROW  MAY NEVER COME:  As you go about your daily life, you take things for granted. We all do it. We make plans for the day, the week, the month, and for the future. These are healthy positive things to do and I encourage them. However, don’t wait for ‘the right time to say “ I love you”, or  “I’m sorry”. Don’t hesitate. You may  not get another chance. NOW is the ‘right’ time.

Don’t stop trying to impress your partner. Don’t stop trying to surprise your partner.

Don’ stop romancing your partner. And never, ever forget why you chose this person to be in your life. Love. Love needs all these things to survive. Life has a way of throwing big boulders into our peaceful paths. Take the time to hug, to kiss, to console, to play, to be silly, to keep your promises. Take the time, you won’t regret it.

So there you  have it.  My relationship tips. My observations. All you really need to remember is to live by the Golden Rule - Do to others what  you’d want done to you. Simple really.  I hope this will help you have long, loving, and healthy relationships.

E. Susan Thomas Barger

2010