PONDERING

Reaching back into the innermost regions of my mind...into that region that houses the memories from childhood to adulthood...I find that my life has taken various paths. That I have sacrificed my own beliefs and feelings in the best interest of others. Always for those whom I care about. Never once giving thought that I could do for myself that which I am always doing for others. Denying myself, while passing out advice, love, patience and understanding to those I love. Helping them along their journeys, while my own lies by the wayside, withering and wasting away. From lack of care, love, and understanding. In other words, from lack of nourishment. 

Still, when I have put all others aside, and begin to nourish myself, it seems not enough. I need feedback. To be nourished from those I have given such nourishment. I realize now that by denying myself, I have given the impression to those I love, that I am not in need of as much nourishment as they. Therefore the feedback is not what I expect, or what I long for. And this causes me great pain. In essence, I’ve set myself up. How true it is that we reap what we sow. 

The time is now to sow the nourishing seeds for my own growth. 

For I will disappear into nothingness if I do not.

So these paths, peculiar as they may have been, were all of my own choosing. Had my childhood been more structured, more disciplined, with some sort of consistency...thought for the future, perhaps I would have chosen different paths. Regardless of the paths chosen, because of my father’s drinking, my mother’s leaving, my sister’s betrayal, and my brother’s death...and the unfortunate and extremely insecure lifestyle my younger brother and I had to endure; I believe these events would have taken place at some later date during this particular lifetime for us all. As I honestly believe each individual has chosen her or his own journey. Long before we are here to follow it. Therefore, we are responsible for the outcome of our own lives. Pointing fingers, placing blame, has no place in my life now.

In accepting this theory as truth for me, I see that all I have learned, all I have become, was from my own choosing. I must admit that these paths I have chosen, positive and negative; right and wrong; have taught me well, and now have meaning. I know that it is MY choice if I grow, or if I stagnate.

Yet somehow, I feel I’ve missed something along the way. 

Oftentimes I feel an outcast. As if I don’t really belong. Whatever the circumstance that makes me feel this separateness, I’ve come to realize that I do belong. Perhaps it’s because I’ve learned the secret. That ‘belonging’, ‘being accepted’, and ‘fitting in’, all begins within.

I know I’m not alone or that this feeling is unique to myself. So many of us spend our entire life in this search for acceptance and purpose. Running willy-nilly, trying to piece it all together. Like one big jig-saw puzzle. Not realizing that the most vital piece of the puzzle lies within our own consciousness. That being, total acceptance of one’s own self.  And taking responsibility for that self. No matter how ugly it may appear. It really isn’t. We all criticize ourselves much too harshly. 

The solution to the puzzle, lies within our own soul. This life becomes tragic only for those who pass from this life’s journey into the next, without ever realizing that they had the answer all along. Thus making the journey longer still.                                                                     

E. Susan Thomas     1987

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