As I See It

Family. That group of people will be your best support. Your biggest fans and offer unconditional love. That’s what we’d like to believe. For the few among us that this is true, you’re excused.

But for the rest of us, family can take on a whole new meaning. As the saying goes, “we don’t get to pick our family, only our friends”.

Our families. Immediate family being comprised of parents, siblings and grandparents.

Let’s begin with parents. Their function, as I see it, is to love us, nurture us, protect us, teach us, guide us and prepare us to join the rest of society, on our own.

The animal kingdom is the best example I can think of as a lesson for new parents. A Lioness, for example, protects her cubs fiercely, and teaches them how to protect themselves. She feeds them and teaches them how to hunt for food for themselves. And then she leaves them to do just that.

As does a mother bird. She allows the youngster to ‘try’ his wings. Allows him to fall on his head, and she brings him back to the nest, so that the youngster can keep trying until he eventually flies away.

The parents in the animal kingdom do not pass judgment on their young when they fail; they simply keep teaching, comforting and nurturing until the youngster learns the lesson and then they move on.

Love your children without judging them. Be consistent in your teachings without criticizing their efforts and mistakes. Then give them the freedom to fly away. Have faith that the lessons you’ve taught them will serve them well. Once they’ve flown from the nest, your responsibilities have been fulfilled. Personal survival is now their responsibility. It isn’t cold hearted and should they fail, it isn’t a reflection on you.

Siblings. They can be a great source of encouragement and companionship. They can also be a great source of aggravation. Will someone explain to me why siblings seem to think they have a ‘right’ to interfere in our lives? Or why some feel they have a ‘right’ to everything we own? Or why the older ones believe they are ‘superior and wiser’ ?

As I see it, it’s a total lack of respect, and a lot of competition. And let’s not forget jealousy. Siblings can be your best friend or your worst enemy.

How do we get around the negatives? By accepting others as they are. By accepting ourselves as we are. By letting go of expectations and simply loving each other.

Grandparents. As I see it, I was lucky to have the Grandparents that I did. They not only loved me, they always showed me a different point of view. They opened my eyes to different ways of looking at life and situations. and a different way of life. They did this by sharing with me what their lives were like as children, young adults, and mature adults. They challenged me and taught me the meaning of respecting one’s elders. They also taught me that no matter how old you become, life is just to short to be so serious. To play, regardless of your age.

Extended Family. Another group of people that come in and out of our lives.

We don’t get to pick these people either, but we do have some say in how much of ourselves and our time that we share with them.

Aunts and Uncles. Most of my Aunts and Uncles were interesting people. Some, more than others, were approachable and quite entertaining. They liked to make me laugh, to tease me, and visits were fun and enjoyable. Others were downright frightening and very stand offish. They didn’t seem to want to know me at all. The fun ones weren’t interested in being a surrogate ‘parent’, but just loads of laughs and told me stories of my parents when they were young. Stories I believe my parents didn’t want me to hear. They gave great insight as to the family dynamics in which my parents grew up. These are the ones I remember fondly and with great affection.

Cousins. Some of us are more fortunate than others and actually know our cousins. These are like your friends from birth. Spending time with cousins is just another way to integrate ourselves into accepted social behavior. We learn to share our toys when they come to visit. We learn to put away their toys before we leave a visit to their home. We learn each private home has it’s own set of rules, that may be similar to our own, or may be vastly different. We learn about each other, and sometimes form bonds with our cousins that can last a lifetime. Some cousins we like more than others. As you grow, you can drift apart, or stay in touch, sometimes sporadically. Yet you will always have a bond with them, even if it is only childhood memories that you share. And you’ll find that even in adulthood, there are still some you like more than others.

Nieces and Nephews. With a sibling’s child or children, you get to be the “fun” person, if you have any spunk in you. You get to play with them when they are little, and walk quietly away when they get cranky. (Fun)

And you get to teach them things. As they get older, you get to tell them funny stories about their parents. (Fun) And you get to form a bond that is close to parental, but you still have the freedom to walk away, without the guilt and responsibility. They can bring you joy, love and happiness, and you can give them advice, guidance that they are sure to accept, since you are not their ‘parent’, and love. Most importantly, you can be there for these children when their parent (s) cannot. And that can bring you immense joy knowing that they are not alone.

As I see it, families, immediate or extended are major players in the formation of our lives. We learn from them. Either how to love and accept one another, or how to mistreat and hurt one another. I believe that these people are important in our lives, in building a foundation from which to grow and stabilize our lives. Whether we want to admit it or not, we do rely on these people for many things. Even if we have learned to stand alone at an early age, it is because we had to learn how because of our ‘family’ dynamics.

Give your family credit where credit is due. No matter how dysfunctional you believe your family to be, you can bet that if you could see through walls, you’d find that the family down the street or around the block is not any better off, or more functional. Every family has it’s crackpots, alcoholics, law breakers, hypocrites, liars, thieves, malcontents, psychotics and tin foil hat wearers. Just as every family has some kind, loving, caring, sharing, giving, generous, wonderful members. And when you are judging them or criticizing them, remember, you are one of them! Their blood flows through your veins as well. So try to be kind when you can, walk away when you can’t. But wherever they are, whatever they are, send them love and it will surely come back to you.

E. Susan Thomas Barger