Heartless

To quote a few lines from a Three Dog Night song, I ask, “how can people be so heartless? How can people be so cruel? Easy to be hard, easy to say no. 
How can people have no feelings? How can they ignore their friends? 
Easy to be hard....easy to say no”.


For the last four and one half years I have worked for a business that I have freely given 110% of myself and my loyalty. The man that hired me was the owner, and he acknowledged my hard work, my loyalty, my trustworthiness and would show his appreciation by giving me about two raises per year, as well as $500 bonuses.  
He and I built not only a bond as employer and employee, but a friendship grew from our mutual respect for each other. He was a tough, yet gentle soul. An honest and fair boss.  Pulled no punches, give it to  you straight kind of guy.  He had a caring and tender heart, but rarely showed it.  I think it was because he must have been taken advantage of once too often, hence the hardened shell.  I could see into his heart, and it was good.  I worked hard for him out of respect of his fairness and for his honesty.  I always knew where I stood, and he knew he could count on me for the same. We truly cared about each other as human beings.  But alas, he passed away in October 2007 and his children inherited the business. This is where my story begins. 


His eldest child, a daughter, that while he was alive appeared to be nice and approachable, was just the opposite after his death. I dare not assume that I know what motivates her or anyone to become so ugly in spirit and soul.  However, I have experienced her true nature and as one would do if one were approached by a hideous creature, I raise my arms up over my face in protection. The true nature of a soul is shown when faced with the realities of life; death, illness or people in need. 


On Jan. 2, 2008, we received the call that my mother in-law suffered two mini-strokes, which caused dementia. However due to the heart attack she suffered two years prior, I believe her dementia began then.  My husband and I had to take a leave of absence from our job to go to California to see about his mother. The hospital would not release her until we arrived. Once there, we found her financial affairs a mess. All of her financial paperwork was  hidden throughout the house, with several different checkbooks in use. The state of her home as complete chaos. There was a freeloader living in a camper in her driveway, a woman that my mother in-law couldn’t remember where she met her.  The electrical on camper was plugged into the house, and apparently the woman had the run of the house. There was a couple with two children living in one of the bedrooms in the home, but they were friends we’ve known for years and they were paying rent and helping Mom out.  The house was in a reverse mortgage, making it more difficult to sell, and her bank account was in the family trust. 


We had to get power of attorney for every aspect of her life, as well as the family trust.  It seemed every office we went to was uncooperative and not very forthcoming with what we needed to do.  My husband, being an only child, had no one but me to assist him. I kept in contact with my new boss nearly every day. She seemed rather put out that we had been gone longer than a week. What she expected us to accomplish in one week is beyond my comprehension. We had more on our hands than we expected. In order to get the power of attorney accomplished, we had to have two letters of her mental status from two different doctors. Which was a task. Getting a doctor to write and sign a letter can take time, but when you need two, it was a nightmare to get it in a timely manner. 


Sorting out all the details of what needed to be done to move my mother in-law out of the state, clearing out her house that she had lived in for 40 years, placing it on the market with a realtor that worked with reverse mortgages, securing power of attorney, trusteeship of the trust with the bank, takes much longer than one week.  Then my boss called and asked me to fly home. I was also informed that my mother in-law was “not allowed” to come with me, nor would she be able to live in the house that came with our job. Swell, what are we to do then? Begin to look for a home to purchase.  We planned on taking care of Mom at home as she was not ready for a nursing home, yet she is beyond assisted living. Which means, she lives with us and although we cannot give her ‘quantity of life’, we can at the very least give her some good ‘quality of life’ for awhile.


I came home, worked for my new boss as well as I did for her Dad, and kept my tongue while she spouted off absurd reasons as to why we weren’t “allowed” to have Mom in the house.  She complained daily about my husband’s work falling behind and that he was taking too much time getting things done.  I tried to explain to her that he was overwhelmed with all that needed to be done, ie; not feeling well himself, trying to pack her 3 bedroom  home, dump runs, evicting the freeloader, getting rid of Mom’s 16 cats and trying to take care of his mother, the sale of the house, etc.  Still, she would bitch at me every day. 


Mid February my husband and his mother arrived from California. It was a three day drive for them and they arrived in the evening. My 68 yr. old mother in-law was so tired from the trip that she laid down on the sofa and fell right to sleep. I hadn’t seen my husband in a month, and his stomach was giving him more trouble than it had before. We thought he had an ulcer, what with all that was going on.  The next day,  I was ‘chewed out’ by my boss for allowing this sick old woman to sleep in the house.  Once again I ask, “How can people be so heartless?  How can people be so cruel?”
My boss chided me for not “taking her seriously”.  I calmly explained that I took her very seriously, but  my decision to let Mom sleep was based solely out of compassion, and that it had nothing whatsoever to do with her. Then she claimed that I was implying that she had no compassion, no feeling. I did not respond. The silence was deafening, and said more that any words I might have spoken. 


My husband and mother in-law are living in an RV on property owned by friends and the “compassion” that my new boss is showing is that Mom is “allowed” to be here in the house for “a couple hours for meals and a little TV”.  It breaks my heart daily that I have to tell her she cannot stay where she is warm and must go back to the RV, that is in the mountains with an abundance of snow.  She is so cold all the time.


After nearly two months of being separated from my husband and his mother, who is the one truly suffering from all this negativity and stress, we have made an offer on a home.  Secured a loan for purchase, and God willing we will be able to move into our new home, together, by the middle of March. The toll this has taken on all of us is great, but it is Mom who has suffered the most. 
And to my  new boss, my thoughts are as follows;  IF IT WALKS LIKE A DUCK, HAS FEET LIKE A DUCK, AND QUACKS LIKE A DUCK.......IT MUST BE A FUCKING DUCK!!!


Through all of this, I have bitten my tongue until it is bloody. I have bottled up all the emotions of injustice, unfairness, and the complete horror of the situation that could have been avoided if my new boss was simply a human being. And yet she requests that I keep the job! What planet is she from? How could she really think that after all of this I could, and would work for someone who has shown no understanding,  no caring, no compassion, no sense of fairness, no heart and absolutely no soul?


Instead of allowing my own negative thoughts regarding her behavior dictate how I do my job or speak with her, I continue to do a good job and pray each night that I don’t let my thoughts of thrashing her become a reality. I believe in Karma....what you put out is what you get back. The Golden Rule; “do unto others as you would have them do unto you”. There will be a day when she is old and sick and in need. And she may just end up alone... or stashed away in a nursing home before her time, simply because someone didn’t want to deal with her, or care about her. That I find very sad, very disturbing. Yet somehow, I just cannot wrap my brain or my heart around her behavior and words. I would love to say to her, “Wouldn’t your Father be  proud of your behavior toward his best and favorite employee?”
“How can people be so heartless? How can people be so cruel? 
EASY TO BE HARD”




E. Susan Thomas Barger
Saturday, March 1, 2008   


Post Script - On August 1, 2008, My husband died from gastrointestinal cancer. Moral of the story - don't assume anything. We 'assumed' his discomfort was an ulcer. My boss 'assumed' we were dishonest about my husband's health. We 'assumed' we would grow old together, hell, we 'assumed' we would be having the holidays in our new home, with his mother living with us. And never, ever, let the chance to be kind pass you by... you may not get the chance again.

As I See It

Family. That group of people will be your best support. Your biggest fans and offer unconditional love. That’s what we’d like to believe. For the few among us that this is true, you’re excused.

But for the rest of us, family can take on a whole new meaning. As the saying goes, “we don’t get to pick our family, only our friends”.

Our families. Immediate family being comprised of parents, siblings and grandparents.

Let’s begin with parents. Their function, as I see it, is to love us, nurture us, protect us, teach us, guide us and prepare us to join the rest of society, on our own.

The animal kingdom is the best example I can think of as a lesson for new parents. A Lioness, for example, protects her cubs fiercely, and teaches them how to protect themselves. She feeds them and teaches them how to hunt for food for themselves. And then she leaves them to do just that.

As does a mother bird. She allows the youngster to ‘try’ his wings. Allows him to fall on his head, and she brings him back to the nest, so that the youngster can keep trying until he eventually flies away.

The parents in the animal kingdom do not pass judgment on their young when they fail; they simply keep teaching, comforting and nurturing until the youngster learns the lesson and then they move on.

Love your children without judging them. Be consistent in your teachings without criticizing their efforts and mistakes. Then give them the freedom to fly away. Have faith that the lessons you’ve taught them will serve them well. Once they’ve flown from the nest, your responsibilities have been fulfilled. Personal survival is now their responsibility. It isn’t cold hearted and should they fail, it isn’t a reflection on you.

Siblings. They can be a great source of encouragement and companionship. They can also be a great source of aggravation. Will someone explain to me why siblings seem to think they have a ‘right’ to interfere in our lives? Or why some feel they have a ‘right’ to everything we own? Or why the older ones believe they are ‘superior and wiser’ ?

As I see it, it’s a total lack of respect, and a lot of competition. And let’s not forget jealousy. Siblings can be your best friend or your worst enemy.

How do we get around the negatives? By accepting others as they are. By accepting ourselves as we are. By letting go of expectations and simply loving each other.

Grandparents. As I see it, I was lucky to have the Grandparents that I did. They not only loved me, they always showed me a different point of view. They opened my eyes to different ways of looking at life and situations. and a different way of life. They did this by sharing with me what their lives were like as children, young adults, and mature adults. They challenged me and taught me the meaning of respecting one’s elders. They also taught me that no matter how old you become, life is just to short to be so serious. To play, regardless of your age.

Extended Family. Another group of people that come in and out of our lives.

We don’t get to pick these people either, but we do have some say in how much of ourselves and our time that we share with them.

Aunts and Uncles. Most of my Aunts and Uncles were interesting people. Some, more than others, were approachable and quite entertaining. They liked to make me laugh, to tease me, and visits were fun and enjoyable. Others were downright frightening and very stand offish. They didn’t seem to want to know me at all. The fun ones weren’t interested in being a surrogate ‘parent’, but just loads of laughs and told me stories of my parents when they were young. Stories I believe my parents didn’t want me to hear. They gave great insight as to the family dynamics in which my parents grew up. These are the ones I remember fondly and with great affection.

Cousins. Some of us are more fortunate than others and actually know our cousins. These are like your friends from birth. Spending time with cousins is just another way to integrate ourselves into accepted social behavior. We learn to share our toys when they come to visit. We learn to put away their toys before we leave a visit to their home. We learn each private home has it’s own set of rules, that may be similar to our own, or may be vastly different. We learn about each other, and sometimes form bonds with our cousins that can last a lifetime. Some cousins we like more than others. As you grow, you can drift apart, or stay in touch, sometimes sporadically. Yet you will always have a bond with them, even if it is only childhood memories that you share. And you’ll find that even in adulthood, there are still some you like more than others.

Nieces and Nephews. With a sibling’s child or children, you get to be the “fun” person, if you have any spunk in you. You get to play with them when they are little, and walk quietly away when they get cranky. (Fun)

And you get to teach them things. As they get older, you get to tell them funny stories about their parents. (Fun) And you get to form a bond that is close to parental, but you still have the freedom to walk away, without the guilt and responsibility. They can bring you joy, love and happiness, and you can give them advice, guidance that they are sure to accept, since you are not their ‘parent’, and love. Most importantly, you can be there for these children when their parent (s) cannot. And that can bring you immense joy knowing that they are not alone.

As I see it, families, immediate or extended are major players in the formation of our lives. We learn from them. Either how to love and accept one another, or how to mistreat and hurt one another. I believe that these people are important in our lives, in building a foundation from which to grow and stabilize our lives. Whether we want to admit it or not, we do rely on these people for many things. Even if we have learned to stand alone at an early age, it is because we had to learn how because of our ‘family’ dynamics.

Give your family credit where credit is due. No matter how dysfunctional you believe your family to be, you can bet that if you could see through walls, you’d find that the family down the street or around the block is not any better off, or more functional. Every family has it’s crackpots, alcoholics, law breakers, hypocrites, liars, thieves, malcontents, psychotics and tin foil hat wearers. Just as every family has some kind, loving, caring, sharing, giving, generous, wonderful members. And when you are judging them or criticizing them, remember, you are one of them! Their blood flows through your veins as well. So try to be kind when you can, walk away when you can’t. But wherever they are, whatever they are, send them love and it will surely come back to you.

E. Susan Thomas Barger